Wednesday

Apparently, I missed Tuesday. Oops. 

Yesterday was a fairly uneventful day, spent watching random episodes of shows while I whittled away on a variety of projects. So I felt productive in the moment, but upon further reflection, I can call yesterday what it really was - me avoiding the unpleasant (to me) things that really needed to get done. I buried my head in the sand, using the 'it's my vacation, I can do what I want!' argument to justify my non-action, and wasted an entire day. 

Now, there's part of me that wants to argue that it wasn't wasted time, that I need or deserve a chance to breathe and relax, and that's totally valid. But I had Saturday night, Sunday AND Monday to do that. Taking Tuesday as well was just me avoiding life...which was the easy thing to do.

So. This morning I did the big thing that's been scaring me - making a phone call to follow up with a resume I submitted a week ago. It made me confront two of the things that make me most uncomfortable: talking on the phone to someone I don't know, and putting myself in a position for someone to tell me I'm not good enough. It went well, I think, although as soon as I hung up I thought of a couple of questions I should have asked. Hopefully she couldn't hear the terror in my voice! But the deadline for submissions is March 1, and they're not planning on reviewing resumes or interviewing before then. So it's patience and self-doubt until then.

I'm so afraid of this last part of my school program - sourcing and obtaining a three week work placement.  What if I've worked so hard for the last two years, only to find that no one wants me? What if I'm not good enough to do this job? What if I let down everyone that's supported me through this journey? I'm so terrified of not succeeding...and it means that instead of putting myself out there, I hide in my house. I don't make the calls, I don't send the emails. If I don't ask, no one can say no, right? But that leads to guilt, and it turns into a sneaky hate spiral of self-doubt and self-loathing. It's vicious - the fear of rejection leads to doing nothing, which leads to me beating myself up for doing nothing. That leads down the path of all the other things I think I'm sub-standard at, and eventually ends up in a pit of wondering why anyone would give me chance in the first place, since I'm so terrible at everything. And it takes so much work to pull myself back together again.

Deep breaths today. I made the call, I put myself out there. One small step, but it feels like I climbed a mountain.