It's a Brand New Day

Big things finishing in my world.

Two years ago, I was miserable.  Downtrodden, discouraged, disappointed in myself and where I was in my life.  So I made a big decision, quit my full-time job, and went back to school to re-train for a new career in my 30s.  It's been tough, and there have been days where I wanted to quit.  There have been nights where I cried myself to sleep because I was so overwhelmed.  I worked two part-time jobs to make ends meet. I worked my ass off at school, reviewing, studying, finishing assignments.

And it all paid off.  As of this weekend, I've finished my program, top of my class, and received a job offer from my co-op placement.  I'm so proud of myself for not giving in, for not quitting, and for remembering that I am worthy of happiness. I've forgotten a bit about how to take care of myself, but I think that will come back with time.

Deep breath.  Onward.

Wednesday

Apparently, I missed Tuesday. Oops. 

Yesterday was a fairly uneventful day, spent watching random episodes of shows while I whittled away on a variety of projects. So I felt productive in the moment, but upon further reflection, I can call yesterday what it really was - me avoiding the unpleasant (to me) things that really needed to get done. I buried my head in the sand, using the 'it's my vacation, I can do what I want!' argument to justify my non-action, and wasted an entire day. 

Now, there's part of me that wants to argue that it wasn't wasted time, that I need or deserve a chance to breathe and relax, and that's totally valid. But I had Saturday night, Sunday AND Monday to do that. Taking Tuesday as well was just me avoiding life...which was the easy thing to do.

So. This morning I did the big thing that's been scaring me - making a phone call to follow up with a resume I submitted a week ago. It made me confront two of the things that make me most uncomfortable: talking on the phone to someone I don't know, and putting myself in a position for someone to tell me I'm not good enough. It went well, I think, although as soon as I hung up I thought of a couple of questions I should have asked. Hopefully she couldn't hear the terror in my voice! But the deadline for submissions is March 1, and they're not planning on reviewing resumes or interviewing before then. So it's patience and self-doubt until then.

I'm so afraid of this last part of my school program - sourcing and obtaining a three week work placement.  What if I've worked so hard for the last two years, only to find that no one wants me? What if I'm not good enough to do this job? What if I let down everyone that's supported me through this journey? I'm so terrified of not succeeding...and it means that instead of putting myself out there, I hide in my house. I don't make the calls, I don't send the emails. If I don't ask, no one can say no, right? But that leads to guilt, and it turns into a sneaky hate spiral of self-doubt and self-loathing. It's vicious - the fear of rejection leads to doing nothing, which leads to me beating myself up for doing nothing. That leads down the path of all the other things I think I'm sub-standard at, and eventually ends up in a pit of wondering why anyone would give me chance in the first place, since I'm so terrible at everything. And it takes so much work to pull myself back together again.

Deep breaths today. I made the call, I put myself out there. One small step, but it feels like I climbed a mountain.

Monday

Continuing with my goal of writing here each day this week.

Today is a holiday here, and while I *should* be completing the homework assigned over Reading Week, instead I chose to use today as an actual break. I've worked so hard over the last three semesters, and the end is finally in sight. I can't wait to be back out there working full-time again, but this time working in a field where I'm happy and feel as though I'm making a valuable contribution. God, I hope it turns out that way.

I made a tiny baby hat today for a school-friend who asked me in a moment of weakness. I have a very difficult time saying no to people, but we can save that discussion for another day. I've been putting off a whole bunch of obligation knitting/crocheting, but it is starting to weigh heavy on me. I could just tell these people that I am unable to fulfill my obligations, but I think the easier thing to do (for me) is to just knuckle down and get them done.

This is the Sleepy Owl Hat (Ravelry link), modeled by my Cabbage Patch Kid, Cora. I'm not much of a crocheter, but I found the pattern to be pretty straight forward. Hopefully it will fit the intended little one. The yarn was nasty to work with (it felt very plastic-y to me), but fit the giftee's budget. I'd make the pattern again, but make it in something much nicer on the hands. I might be a bit of a yarn snob, though, and I almost always prefer natural fibres or a blend to purely synthetic.

I finished a pair of socks last night for Sparky, leftover from Christmas 2012. Between those yesterday and the hat today, I feel like I've been productive and accomplished something. It feels like forward movement. I'll carry that forward tomorrow into my schoolwork, and hopefully make some more progress on more Christmas presents left behind. 

Two posts in a row. Keep it up.

New Start

Well.

Apparently I'm not very good at this blogging thing. I think my biggest issue is that I don't feel as though I have anything witty or original to say. Then I think, 'Why bother blogging at all?"

But I think I'm missing the point for me.  I'm not using this to communicate with a specific audience. I'm not even using my real name. So what does it matter what I say? In essence, I'm here talking to myself, and I've been telling myself I'm not worthy of having a voice. Which is ridiculous and self-defeating.

So I have a goal this week. I'm going to post something every day this week. Sunday to Saturday. It doesn't have to be long, it just has to be there. I want to get into the habit of listening to my own voice, and learning how to express myself in a way that doesn't make me sound like an idiot (that may be the biggest challenge).

I sometimes find myself paralyzed by a multitude of interests and things I want to do. For example, today I want to post here (check!), write in my journal, finish knitting a pair of socks, continue working on another pair of socks, start (and maybe finish) a crochet baby hat, watch a movie, eat some pizza, drink a couple of beers, paint my fingernails (new shade received from a dear new friend, called Nifty Shades of Grey)...it's a daunting list. And since I want to do them all, I have a hard time choosing where to start. So I don't choose, I whittle time away on the internet until there isn't enough time to do any of them. Then I feel guilty about not doing anything. THEN I feel guilty about not doing other things that need doing, like laundry, cleaning, and school work. At which point I descend into a sneaky hate spiral and beat myself up for the rest of the evening, go to bed feeling depressed and unaccomplished, and succumb to nightmares about my inability to prove my worth to anyone.

So, today's small goal is to pick a starting point. Which I did - I came back here to type.  Next I'll head over to my journal, and get the rest of this out of my system. Watch a movie while I finish knitting a pair of socks, start a crochet project, maybe paint my nails a little later this afternoon, and save knitting the simple socks for after pizza and beer while I watch another movie with Sparky. 

Once I find a place to start, it's amazing how it all falls in to place...I just need to figure out how to keep the momentum going. Wish me luck.