Why Does It Bother Me?

A quick post tonight.

I'm feeling anxious without cause - tightness in my chest, headache...I can actually feel my heart thumping as I sit here and I have an acute desire to sleep all. the. time.

I know that my Dad has been struggling with anxiety and depression, and I can't help but recognize some of these as responses to heightened anxiety inherited from him.  The thing is, I can't figure out what the trigger is. Often I set unrealistically high goals for myself, and then berate myself for not achieving those completely arbitrary goals. It's completely self-justifying and self-defeating, all at the same time. I recognize this behaviour in myself, but all too often I catch myself doing it. 

Today was a day off, with no "must-do" tasks, no grown-up things that needed tending to, and still I sit here, at nearly 11:00 at night. This is partly why I knit - it gives me something concrete to focus on, and at the end of the day I have something tangible in my hands to prove to myself that I accomplished something.

Today, I made hexipuffs.

It's my start to the Bee Keeper's Quilt, a crazy train I jumped on this weekend. (Ravelry link) Not a "finish-it-quick" project, but I'm hoping a project that I'll be more likely to chip away at while I'm in school again this fall.

Now. Deep breaths, some tea, and bedtime.

Something to Show Off

I love days off.

Yesterday was one of those days where I had no obligations to anyone or anything. I read, watched tv, watched a movie, cooked a healthy and delicious dinner, and knit. A lot. I picked up one of the new Soaxbox kits from Soak and had to cast on right away. This kit included a pattern called "Lace Kelly" - cute fingerless mitts with lacy borders and a proper thumb gusset. I made the smaller size, and I did make a few mods to the pattern (after knitting the first one as written):

• Used 3mm needles, as they were way too big on the 3.5mm
• Did 18 reps of rows 9/10 on the wrist portion
• Added an extra "work even" pair of rows on the thumb gusset (K2, slip m, YO, K2tog, K15, ssk, YO, slip m, finish rest of round in pattern. Next round, knit all sts.)
• After the thumb sts were set aside, I added an extra repeat of rows 9/10, with plain knitting on the first 8 sts, then in pattern for the rest of the round
• Thumb - cast on 3, picked up 2 sts in the gap, K17, picked up 2 sts in the gap, then knit 4 rounds plain, decreasing the extra sts on the first two rounds
• Did 4 rows ribbing before the cast off of the hand, and 6 on the thumb

I think they turned out pretty fetching, don't you?

Today is another lovely day off, with a few errands to run. I'm planning some birthday shenanigans for my boyfriend of 8 years - he turns 40 next week. I need to come up with a blog name for him...I'm thinking Sparky. An inside joke, but one that might work well for me here, since no one else is going to read this. Ha. 

Day One

Hi there.

I'm new at this. I'm not expecting that anyone will read this, or that anyone stumbling on this will care. But things have been weighing on me lately, and I need somewhere anonymous to let them out. So, I have a blog.

This is me. I'm in my 30s, and have gone back to school full-time after a failed undergrad degree (the degree was successful, but not the career that followed). I've worked in retail for the last eight years, and realized I couldn't face a lifetime of refolding t-shirts. I'm self-deprecating, sarcastic, and a bit of a nerd. I love coffee and wine. And yarn. I like making things out of yarn. There will be a lot of knitting content...consider yourself warned.

I've tried keeping diaries, and have struggled with consistency in writing. I'm hoping this will be more successful, but I guess only time will tell.

Something more tomorrow...this is enough for tonight. If anyone is out there, thanks for reading.