It's a Brand New Day

Big things finishing in my world.

Two years ago, I was miserable.  Downtrodden, discouraged, disappointed in myself and where I was in my life.  So I made a big decision, quit my full-time job, and went back to school to re-train for a new career in my 30s.  It's been tough, and there have been days where I wanted to quit.  There have been nights where I cried myself to sleep because I was so overwhelmed.  I worked two part-time jobs to make ends meet. I worked my ass off at school, reviewing, studying, finishing assignments.

And it all paid off.  As of this weekend, I've finished my program, top of my class, and received a job offer from my co-op placement.  I'm so proud of myself for not giving in, for not quitting, and for remembering that I am worthy of happiness. I've forgotten a bit about how to take care of myself, but I think that will come back with time.

Deep breath.  Onward.

Wednesday

Apparently, I missed Tuesday. Oops. 

Yesterday was a fairly uneventful day, spent watching random episodes of shows while I whittled away on a variety of projects. So I felt productive in the moment, but upon further reflection, I can call yesterday what it really was - me avoiding the unpleasant (to me) things that really needed to get done. I buried my head in the sand, using the 'it's my vacation, I can do what I want!' argument to justify my non-action, and wasted an entire day. 

Now, there's part of me that wants to argue that it wasn't wasted time, that I need or deserve a chance to breathe and relax, and that's totally valid. But I had Saturday night, Sunday AND Monday to do that. Taking Tuesday as well was just me avoiding life...which was the easy thing to do.

So. This morning I did the big thing that's been scaring me - making a phone call to follow up with a resume I submitted a week ago. It made me confront two of the things that make me most uncomfortable: talking on the phone to someone I don't know, and putting myself in a position for someone to tell me I'm not good enough. It went well, I think, although as soon as I hung up I thought of a couple of questions I should have asked. Hopefully she couldn't hear the terror in my voice! But the deadline for submissions is March 1, and they're not planning on reviewing resumes or interviewing before then. So it's patience and self-doubt until then.

I'm so afraid of this last part of my school program - sourcing and obtaining a three week work placement.  What if I've worked so hard for the last two years, only to find that no one wants me? What if I'm not good enough to do this job? What if I let down everyone that's supported me through this journey? I'm so terrified of not succeeding...and it means that instead of putting myself out there, I hide in my house. I don't make the calls, I don't send the emails. If I don't ask, no one can say no, right? But that leads to guilt, and it turns into a sneaky hate spiral of self-doubt and self-loathing. It's vicious - the fear of rejection leads to doing nothing, which leads to me beating myself up for doing nothing. That leads down the path of all the other things I think I'm sub-standard at, and eventually ends up in a pit of wondering why anyone would give me chance in the first place, since I'm so terrible at everything. And it takes so much work to pull myself back together again.

Deep breaths today. I made the call, I put myself out there. One small step, but it feels like I climbed a mountain.

Monday

Continuing with my goal of writing here each day this week.

Today is a holiday here, and while I *should* be completing the homework assigned over Reading Week, instead I chose to use today as an actual break. I've worked so hard over the last three semesters, and the end is finally in sight. I can't wait to be back out there working full-time again, but this time working in a field where I'm happy and feel as though I'm making a valuable contribution. God, I hope it turns out that way.

I made a tiny baby hat today for a school-friend who asked me in a moment of weakness. I have a very difficult time saying no to people, but we can save that discussion for another day. I've been putting off a whole bunch of obligation knitting/crocheting, but it is starting to weigh heavy on me. I could just tell these people that I am unable to fulfill my obligations, but I think the easier thing to do (for me) is to just knuckle down and get them done.

This is the Sleepy Owl Hat (Ravelry link), modeled by my Cabbage Patch Kid, Cora. I'm not much of a crocheter, but I found the pattern to be pretty straight forward. Hopefully it will fit the intended little one. The yarn was nasty to work with (it felt very plastic-y to me), but fit the giftee's budget. I'd make the pattern again, but make it in something much nicer on the hands. I might be a bit of a yarn snob, though, and I almost always prefer natural fibres or a blend to purely synthetic.

I finished a pair of socks last night for Sparky, leftover from Christmas 2012. Between those yesterday and the hat today, I feel like I've been productive and accomplished something. It feels like forward movement. I'll carry that forward tomorrow into my schoolwork, and hopefully make some more progress on more Christmas presents left behind. 

Two posts in a row. Keep it up.

New Start

Well.

Apparently I'm not very good at this blogging thing. I think my biggest issue is that I don't feel as though I have anything witty or original to say. Then I think, 'Why bother blogging at all?"

But I think I'm missing the point for me.  I'm not using this to communicate with a specific audience. I'm not even using my real name. So what does it matter what I say? In essence, I'm here talking to myself, and I've been telling myself I'm not worthy of having a voice. Which is ridiculous and self-defeating.

So I have a goal this week. I'm going to post something every day this week. Sunday to Saturday. It doesn't have to be long, it just has to be there. I want to get into the habit of listening to my own voice, and learning how to express myself in a way that doesn't make me sound like an idiot (that may be the biggest challenge).

I sometimes find myself paralyzed by a multitude of interests and things I want to do. For example, today I want to post here (check!), write in my journal, finish knitting a pair of socks, continue working on another pair of socks, start (and maybe finish) a crochet baby hat, watch a movie, eat some pizza, drink a couple of beers, paint my fingernails (new shade received from a dear new friend, called Nifty Shades of Grey)...it's a daunting list. And since I want to do them all, I have a hard time choosing where to start. So I don't choose, I whittle time away on the internet until there isn't enough time to do any of them. Then I feel guilty about not doing anything. THEN I feel guilty about not doing other things that need doing, like laundry, cleaning, and school work. At which point I descend into a sneaky hate spiral and beat myself up for the rest of the evening, go to bed feeling depressed and unaccomplished, and succumb to nightmares about my inability to prove my worth to anyone.

So, today's small goal is to pick a starting point. Which I did - I came back here to type.  Next I'll head over to my journal, and get the rest of this out of my system. Watch a movie while I finish knitting a pair of socks, start a crochet project, maybe paint my nails a little later this afternoon, and save knitting the simple socks for after pizza and beer while I watch another movie with Sparky. 

Once I find a place to start, it's amazing how it all falls in to place...I just need to figure out how to keep the momentum going. Wish me luck.

Why Does It Bother Me?

A quick post tonight.

I'm feeling anxious without cause - tightness in my chest, headache...I can actually feel my heart thumping as I sit here and I have an acute desire to sleep all. the. time.

I know that my Dad has been struggling with anxiety and depression, and I can't help but recognize some of these as responses to heightened anxiety inherited from him.  The thing is, I can't figure out what the trigger is. Often I set unrealistically high goals for myself, and then berate myself for not achieving those completely arbitrary goals. It's completely self-justifying and self-defeating, all at the same time. I recognize this behaviour in myself, but all too often I catch myself doing it. 

Today was a day off, with no "must-do" tasks, no grown-up things that needed tending to, and still I sit here, at nearly 11:00 at night. This is partly why I knit - it gives me something concrete to focus on, and at the end of the day I have something tangible in my hands to prove to myself that I accomplished something.

Today, I made hexipuffs.

It's my start to the Bee Keeper's Quilt, a crazy train I jumped on this weekend. (Ravelry link) Not a "finish-it-quick" project, but I'm hoping a project that I'll be more likely to chip away at while I'm in school again this fall.

Now. Deep breaths, some tea, and bedtime.

Something to Show Off

I love days off.

Yesterday was one of those days where I had no obligations to anyone or anything. I read, watched tv, watched a movie, cooked a healthy and delicious dinner, and knit. A lot. I picked up one of the new Soaxbox kits from Soak and had to cast on right away. This kit included a pattern called "Lace Kelly" - cute fingerless mitts with lacy borders and a proper thumb gusset. I made the smaller size, and I did make a few mods to the pattern (after knitting the first one as written):

• Used 3mm needles, as they were way too big on the 3.5mm
• Did 18 reps of rows 9/10 on the wrist portion
• Added an extra "work even" pair of rows on the thumb gusset (K2, slip m, YO, K2tog, K15, ssk, YO, slip m, finish rest of round in pattern. Next round, knit all sts.)
• After the thumb sts were set aside, I added an extra repeat of rows 9/10, with plain knitting on the first 8 sts, then in pattern for the rest of the round
• Thumb - cast on 3, picked up 2 sts in the gap, K17, picked up 2 sts in the gap, then knit 4 rounds plain, decreasing the extra sts on the first two rounds
• Did 4 rows ribbing before the cast off of the hand, and 6 on the thumb

I think they turned out pretty fetching, don't you?

Today is another lovely day off, with a few errands to run. I'm planning some birthday shenanigans for my boyfriend of 8 years - he turns 40 next week. I need to come up with a blog name for him...I'm thinking Sparky. An inside joke, but one that might work well for me here, since no one else is going to read this. Ha. 

Day One

Hi there.

I'm new at this. I'm not expecting that anyone will read this, or that anyone stumbling on this will care. But things have been weighing on me lately, and I need somewhere anonymous to let them out. So, I have a blog.

This is me. I'm in my 30s, and have gone back to school full-time after a failed undergrad degree (the degree was successful, but not the career that followed). I've worked in retail for the last eight years, and realized I couldn't face a lifetime of refolding t-shirts. I'm self-deprecating, sarcastic, and a bit of a nerd. I love coffee and wine. And yarn. I like making things out of yarn. There will be a lot of knitting content...consider yourself warned.

I've tried keeping diaries, and have struggled with consistency in writing. I'm hoping this will be more successful, but I guess only time will tell.

Something more tomorrow...this is enough for tonight. If anyone is out there, thanks for reading.